Okay, that title describes most of these jokes. But still.
21. Andreanett J., Gadsden, AL
The wrapper actually says "Gadsen" but I'm pretty sure that's a typo. As for Andreanett, you're on your own with that one.
Why did the old woman tie skates on the rocking chair?
Because she wanted to rock and roll?
21. Because she wanted to rock and roll.
Yeah. Lame. You really shouldn't have a setup that makes it so obvious what the punchline is going to be. "Rock" is right there in the setup. Just weak.
22. Eric M., Chicago, IL
What do you get when you send a cow to Alaska?
Ice cream? Ice milk?
22. Cold cream!
The exclamation point is [sic], and boy do I not get this joke. I mean, obviously I get it. But of all the possible answers... COLD CREAM? I mean, yeah, it's not any funnier if the answer is "ice cream" and it's obviously much more predictable. But... COLD CREAM? Good God. I don't really have anything to say about this. What can you say?
This one was grape, or "uva" if you speak Spanish, since the wrappers are bilingual. It actually makes me wish I only spoke Spanish, since the jokes are the only text on the wrappers that don't get translated.
Saturday, September 8, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Wrapper 40: It's raining money
13. Suzanna C., Salt Lake City, UT
When does it rain money?
There's a pretty bad pun coming here; you can see it a mile away. Off the top of my head I can't think of what it might be, but I'm confident it will suck.
13. When there is a change in the weather.
Ugh. That's even worse than I was expecting. And it doesn't even really work, given that "change" in the money sense is really a plural noun that would not have an indefinite article in front of it. Learn some grammar, Suzanna C.!
14. Randy T., Festus, MO
Which are the stronger days of the week?
Why not just "strongest"? Not the best outing for grammarians.
14. Saturday and Sunday - the rest are weekdays.
Eh. Not the worst, I guess. Might deserve a smirk if delivered to me in person by some eight-year-old kid.
This was a disgusting banana wrapper, which you can bet I will not be eating even though I bought this bag and no longer have coworkers to pawn them off on.
When does it rain money?
There's a pretty bad pun coming here; you can see it a mile away. Off the top of my head I can't think of what it might be, but I'm confident it will suck.
13. When there is a change in the weather.
Ugh. That's even worse than I was expecting. And it doesn't even really work, given that "change" in the money sense is really a plural noun that would not have an indefinite article in front of it. Learn some grammar, Suzanna C.!
14. Randy T., Festus, MO
Which are the stronger days of the week?
Why not just "strongest"? Not the best outing for grammarians.
14. Saturday and Sunday - the rest are weekdays.
Eh. Not the worst, I guess. Might deserve a smirk if delivered to me in person by some eight-year-old kid.
This was a disgusting banana wrapper, which you can bet I will not be eating even though I bought this bag and no longer have coworkers to pawn them off on.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Wrapper 39: Just like starting over
As you may have noticed - ha, just kidding, I know no one reads this - I cut off in the middle of a batch of wrappers I had pulled out last December. Then yesterday's garbage rekindled my "love" for these awful things, and I managed to find an all-Laffy Taffy bag of candy at Walgreens today, so hey! We even fly all the way back to the single digits in the joke count.
7. Michael M., Youngstown, OH
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Gonna go out on a limb here and guess "a milkshake."
7. Beef jerky.
Okay, points for avoiding the obvious. The vocabulary seems a trifle advanced for nine-year-olds, but hey, why not.
8. Vickie R., Franklin, LA
What did Jon do when his dog ate his science book?
This setup feels sufficiently tortured that we are probably in for nothing good.
8. He took the words right out of his mouth.
Well, that one's pretty ancient. I suppose it's "spiced up" by the completely unnecessary additions of the kid's name and the book's subject (why a science book, of all things? At least it wasn't a math book, I guess), but meh.
This wrapper was sour apple. That's right, four whole flavors in this bag!
7. Michael M., Youngstown, OH
What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Gonna go out on a limb here and guess "a milkshake."
7. Beef jerky.
Okay, points for avoiding the obvious. The vocabulary seems a trifle advanced for nine-year-olds, but hey, why not.
8. Vickie R., Franklin, LA
What did Jon do when his dog ate his science book?
This setup feels sufficiently tortured that we are probably in for nothing good.
8. He took the words right out of his mouth.
Well, that one's pretty ancient. I suppose it's "spiced up" by the completely unnecessary additions of the kid's name and the book's subject (why a science book, of all things? At least it wasn't a math book, I guess), but meh.
This wrapper was sour apple. That's right, four whole flavors in this bag!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
Wrapper 38: Faux-racism, and then pretty much actual racism
I haven't posted any of these in a while, for various reasons, but I saw some Laffy Taffy at the store today and hey, why not. The first two wrappers were kind of whatever, but the third: wow.
266. Meredith G.
What did the cabbage preacher say to his church?
You know it's going to be a good joke when it starts with this kind of a stretch. Honestly: the cabbage preacher? But okay, let's hear it:
Lettuce pray.
Probably could have seen that coming. But imagine for a second that you lived in a world where sentient produce was a thing. Don't you feel like cabbage would get pissed off if you thought it was lettuce? "What are you saying - all leafy vegetables look the same to you? That is RACIST."
267. Alfred C.
Are people really still naming their children Alfred? Whatever.
What is a parasite?
This is not a question anyone would ask, except as a response on Jeopardy!
Something you see in Paris.
I know the point of the joke - or really "joke" - is just to be a pun, but since this is a pun that only really works aurally and not in print, you end up with this, which is really just a mess. It has the added bonus of effectively looking like racism (well, ethnic stereotyping anyway) - the French are parasites! They're a horrible people, and probably they're unclean too! Word to the wise, Alfred C.: maybe just try and avoid any jokes that stir up unnecessary geopolitical intrigue.
266. Meredith G.
What did the cabbage preacher say to his church?
You know it's going to be a good joke when it starts with this kind of a stretch. Honestly: the cabbage preacher? But okay, let's hear it:
Lettuce pray.
Probably could have seen that coming. But imagine for a second that you lived in a world where sentient produce was a thing. Don't you feel like cabbage would get pissed off if you thought it was lettuce? "What are you saying - all leafy vegetables look the same to you? That is RACIST."
267. Alfred C.
Are people really still naming their children Alfred? Whatever.
What is a parasite?
This is not a question anyone would ask, except as a response on Jeopardy!
Something you see in Paris.
I know the point of the joke - or really "joke" - is just to be a pun, but since this is a pun that only really works aurally and not in print, you end up with this, which is really just a mess. It has the added bonus of effectively looking like racism (well, ethnic stereotyping anyway) - the French are parasites! They're a horrible people, and probably they're unclean too! Word to the wise, Alfred C.: maybe just try and avoid any jokes that stir up unnecessary geopolitical intrigue.
Monday, December 5, 2011
Wrapper 37: Scrooge and Cake
187. Kristine G., New Bedford, MA
Where does Scrooge go to in New York City?
Weird wording there. Anyway, some sort of play on "bah" or "humbug" or whatever?
187. The Grumpire State Building!
Man. I mean, I guess when you hear "Scrooge" you think "grumpy," or at least they're closely related enough for this not to be completely ridiculous, but still. More than a bit of a stretch. I just would have tried to think of another joke at this point.
188. Sandra M., DeKalb, IL
What did the cake say to the candle?
"You light up my life!" Ugh, sorry.
188. You're burning my back.
Whoa, I retract that apology. "You're burning my back????" That is not an expression that anyone says, which means it has no business being the punchline to a joke like this. This is only funny if people say that sort of thing to each other, making it passably amusing that a cake might say it to a candle. But no, this is just idiotic. It manages to make "the Grumpire State Building" look good by comparison.
Where does Scrooge go to in New York City?
Weird wording there. Anyway, some sort of play on "bah" or "humbug" or whatever?
187. The Grumpire State Building!
Man. I mean, I guess when you hear "Scrooge" you think "grumpy," or at least they're closely related enough for this not to be completely ridiculous, but still. More than a bit of a stretch. I just would have tried to think of another joke at this point.
188. Sandra M., DeKalb, IL
What did the cake say to the candle?
"You light up my life!" Ugh, sorry.
188. You're burning my back.
Whoa, I retract that apology. "You're burning my back????" That is not an expression that anyone says, which means it has no business being the punchline to a joke like this. This is only funny if people say that sort of thing to each other, making it passably amusing that a cake might say it to a candle. But no, this is just idiotic. It manages to make "the Grumpire State Building" look good by comparison.
Sunday, December 4, 2011
Wrapper 36: Comedy = Tragedy + Yaks
183. Matt W., Muskogee, OK
What would you do without your memories?
Kind of a serious setup, isn't it? Very philosophical. What if you had no memories? What would your life be like? How would you feel when you woke up in the morning, unsure of your surroundings, perhaps able to surmise simply by instinct that the person lying next to you was your spouse, but otherwise completely disoriented? Unable to hang on to the happy moments of life, watching them slip past like strangers in a crowd? How would you... oh, I'm sorry, I guess we have a punchline to get to here.
183. Forget.
This really is the most tragic Laffy Taffy joke there is. Someone thought to categorize this as humor? Holy shit. This is super depressing. Let's just move on. Now I need this next joke to be super funny just to make up for it...
184. Jessica S., San Diego, CA
What animal talks the most?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANIMAL TALKS THE MOST
184. A yak.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
What would you do without your memories?
Kind of a serious setup, isn't it? Very philosophical. What if you had no memories? What would your life be like? How would you feel when you woke up in the morning, unsure of your surroundings, perhaps able to surmise simply by instinct that the person lying next to you was your spouse, but otherwise completely disoriented? Unable to hang on to the happy moments of life, watching them slip past like strangers in a crowd? How would you... oh, I'm sorry, I guess we have a punchline to get to here.
183. Forget.
This really is the most tragic Laffy Taffy joke there is. Someone thought to categorize this as humor? Holy shit. This is super depressing. Let's just move on. Now I need this next joke to be super funny just to make up for it...
184. Jessica S., San Diego, CA
What animal talks the most?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANIMAL TALKS THE MOST
184. A yak.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Saturday, December 3, 2011
Wrapper 35: Frogs and the sun
143. Amber W., Owatonna, MN
What animal has more lives than a cat?
Really, all animals have just one life. But let's see what you were thinking.
143. A frog. It croaks every night.
Again, really more of a riddle than a joke. But sure.
144. Morgan W., Washington, DC
What does the sun skate on?
The sun is a massive ball of flaming gas, and does not go skating on anything.
144. Solarblades.
Meh. Our last banana wrapper for a while (we've got a rich vein of strawberry coming) actually isn't that bad. At least, it's fairly inoffensive. There's some bad ones coming, though, let me tell you.
What animal has more lives than a cat?
Really, all animals have just one life. But let's see what you were thinking.
143. A frog. It croaks every night.
Again, really more of a riddle than a joke. But sure.
144. Morgan W., Washington, DC
What does the sun skate on?
The sun is a massive ball of flaming gas, and does not go skating on anything.
144. Solarblades.
Meh. Our last banana wrapper for a while (we've got a rich vein of strawberry coming) actually isn't that bad. At least, it's fairly inoffensive. There's some bad ones coming, though, let me tell you.
Friday, December 2, 2011
Wrapper 34: No quarter
141. Tessa W., Jema, LA
What gives a ghost the right to scare you?
Ghosts care not for your human laws.
141. A haunting license.
I wonder if I could have parsed this fully as an eight-year-old. Maybe in rural parts of the country where even kids would be familiar with the concept of a hunting license it's not an issue.
142. Tiffany M., Churchville, NY
How come the Buffalo Bills went to the bank?
This is obviously about "getting their quarterback." I know Tiffany M. is from Churchville, NY, which is a little ways outside Rochester, thus making the Buffalo Bills her nearest NFL team. But I don't know if I would have used a specific team here. It's just sort of confusing since it makes you wonder if the punchline will actually be Bills-specific.
142. To get their quarter back.
And of course the punchline is not Bills-specific. I know this isn't really Tiffany M.'s fault - Laffy Taffy should have edited it, or picked another one that just said "the football team" since this joke is so old you know a thousand kids mailed it in. It's that little extra bit of dopiness that truly makes a Laffy Taffy joke.
What gives a ghost the right to scare you?
Ghosts care not for your human laws.
141. A haunting license.
I wonder if I could have parsed this fully as an eight-year-old. Maybe in rural parts of the country where even kids would be familiar with the concept of a hunting license it's not an issue.
142. Tiffany M., Churchville, NY
How come the Buffalo Bills went to the bank?
This is obviously about "getting their quarterback." I know Tiffany M. is from Churchville, NY, which is a little ways outside Rochester, thus making the Buffalo Bills her nearest NFL team. But I don't know if I would have used a specific team here. It's just sort of confusing since it makes you wonder if the punchline will actually be Bills-specific.
142. To get their quarter back.
And of course the punchline is not Bills-specific. I know this isn't really Tiffany M.'s fault - Laffy Taffy should have edited it, or picked another one that just said "the football team" since this joke is so old you know a thousand kids mailed it in. It's that little extra bit of dopiness that truly makes a Laffy Taffy joke.
Thursday, December 1, 2011
Wrapper 33: Ticked off
139. Keri B., Heber, UT
When does a doctor get mad?
When he is out of patients.
139. When he runs out of patients.
Yeah, yeah. Pedestrian.
140. Arthur W., Des Plaines, IL
What do you get when you cross Noah's ark and a bug?
A really weird, strained joke setup?
140. Arctic.
...wow. That is impressively terrible, Arthur W. I'm ashamed to live in the same state as you. I mean, my God. There's nothing inherently funny about getting to "Arctic" as a punchline, certainly not after you push so forced a setup on us. And what really got "crossed" here? You just tacked "tick" on after "ark" and made a new, completely unrelated word out of it. I guess the real question is whether to blame Arthur, or to blame the Laffy Taffy people for deciding "Why yes, this is good enough to publish!" I think I'll just go ahead and blame both of them.
Wouldn't rewording this joke have made it at least a little more tolerable? Like "Why did the bug make it so cold on Noah's ark? He was an Arctic!" That's still terrible but at least you have an excuse for "Arctic" in the setup. The existing one is just poorly done.
When does a doctor get mad?
When he is out of patients.
139. When he runs out of patients.
Yeah, yeah. Pedestrian.
140. Arthur W., Des Plaines, IL
What do you get when you cross Noah's ark and a bug?
A really weird, strained joke setup?
140. Arctic.
...wow. That is impressively terrible, Arthur W. I'm ashamed to live in the same state as you. I mean, my God. There's nothing inherently funny about getting to "Arctic" as a punchline, certainly not after you push so forced a setup on us. And what really got "crossed" here? You just tacked "tick" on after "ark" and made a new, completely unrelated word out of it. I guess the real question is whether to blame Arthur, or to blame the Laffy Taffy people for deciding "Why yes, this is good enough to publish!" I think I'll just go ahead and blame both of them.
Wouldn't rewording this joke have made it at least a little more tolerable? Like "Why did the bug make it so cold on Noah's ark? He was an Arctic!" That's still terrible but at least you have an excuse for "Arctic" in the setup. The existing one is just poorly done.
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
Wrapper 32: Hopping bad
137. Nicholaus L., Sacramento, CA
What is a cat's favorite color?
Hopefully not something they like just because the word "cat" appears in its name!
137. Purr-ple.
Could be worse. This is at least sort of in the tradition of those old jokes about the guy claiming his dog can talk, then only asking the dog questions that can be answered with approximations of typical dog sounds.
138. Sara H., Lansdale, PA
What is a bunny's motto?
Motto? Are we going to get a Latin-based punchline here?
138. Don't frown, be hoppy.
Don't frown? Don't FROWN? Are you kidding me? Don't WORRY, be hoppy! What, were you guys afraid of getting sued by Bobby McFerrin? If so, you should have just dropped the joke altogether, rather than going with this ersatz garbage. Although maybe this is how Sara H. sent the joke in, which would be even worse because if you take away the idea of it being a "Don't worry, be happy" reference, how the hell is this a joke?
What is a cat's favorite color?
Hopefully not something they like just because the word "cat" appears in its name!
137. Purr-ple.
Could be worse. This is at least sort of in the tradition of those old jokes about the guy claiming his dog can talk, then only asking the dog questions that can be answered with approximations of typical dog sounds.
138. Sara H., Lansdale, PA
What is a bunny's motto?
Motto? Are we going to get a Latin-based punchline here?
138. Don't frown, be hoppy.
Don't frown? Don't FROWN? Are you kidding me? Don't WORRY, be hoppy! What, were you guys afraid of getting sued by Bobby McFerrin? If so, you should have just dropped the joke altogether, rather than going with this ersatz garbage. Although maybe this is how Sara H. sent the joke in, which would be even worse because if you take away the idea of it being a "Don't worry, be happy" reference, how the hell is this a joke?
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