Wrapper 37: Scrooge and Cake

187. Kristine G., New Bedford, MA

Where does Scrooge go to in New York City?

Weird wording there. Anyway, some sort of play on "bah" or "humbug" or whatever?

187. The Grumpire State Building!

Man. I mean, I guess when you hear "Scrooge" you think "grumpy," or at least they're closely related enough for this not to be completely ridiculous, but still. More than a bit of a stretch. I just would have tried to think of another joke at this point.

188. Sandra M., DeKalb, IL

What did the cake say to the candle?

"You light up my life!" Ugh, sorry.

188. You're burning my back.

Whoa, I retract that apology. "You're burning my back????" That is not an expression that anyone says, which means it has no business being the punchline to a joke like this. This is only funny if people say that sort of thing to each other, making it passably amusing that a cake might say it to a candle. But no, this is just idiotic. It manages to make "the Grumpire State Building" look good by comparison.

Wrapper 36: Comedy = Tragedy + Yaks

183. Matt W., Muskogee, OK

What would you do without your memories?

Kind of a serious setup, isn't it? Very philosophical. What if you had no memories? What would your life be like? How would you feel when you woke up in the morning, unsure of your surroundings, perhaps able to surmise simply by instinct that the person lying next to you was your spouse, but otherwise completely disoriented? Unable to hang on to the happy moments of life, watching them slip past like strangers in a crowd? How would you... oh, I'm sorry, I guess we have a punchline to get to here.

183. Forget.

This really is the most tragic Laffy Taffy joke there is. Someone thought to categorize this as humor? Holy shit. This is super depressing. Let's just move on. Now I need this next joke to be super funny just to make up for it...

184. Jessica S., San Diego, CA

What animal talks the most?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT ANIMAL TALKS THE MOST

184. A yak.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wrapper 35: Frogs and the sun

143. Amber W., Owatonna, MN

What animal has more lives than a cat?

Really, all animals have just one life. But let's see what you were thinking.

143. A frog. It croaks every night.

Again, really more of a riddle than a joke. But sure.

144. Morgan W., Washington, DC

What does the sun skate on?

The sun is a massive ball of flaming gas, and does not go skating on anything.

144. Solarblades.

Meh. Our last banana wrapper for a while (we've got a rich vein of strawberry coming) actually isn't that bad. At least, it's fairly inoffensive. There's some bad ones coming, though, let me tell you.

Wrapper 34: No quarter

141. Tessa W., Jema, LA

What gives a ghost the right to scare you?

Ghosts care not for your human laws.

141. A haunting license.

I wonder if I could have parsed this fully as an eight-year-old. Maybe in rural parts of the country where even kids would be familiar with the concept of a hunting license it's not an issue.

142. Tiffany M., Churchville, NY

How come the Buffalo Bills went to the bank?

This is obviously about "getting their quarterback." I know Tiffany M. is from Churchville, NY, which is a little ways outside Rochester, thus making the Buffalo Bills her nearest NFL team. But I don't know if I would have used a specific team here. It's just sort of confusing since it makes you wonder if the punchline will actually be Bills-specific.

142. To get their quarter back.

And of course the punchline is not Bills-specific. I know this isn't really Tiffany M.'s fault - Laffy Taffy should have edited it, or picked another one that just said "the football team" since this joke is so old you know a thousand kids mailed it in. It's that little extra bit of dopiness that truly makes a Laffy Taffy joke.

Wrapper 33: Ticked off

139. Keri B., Heber, UT

When does a doctor get mad?

When he is out of patients.

139. When he runs out of patients.

Yeah, yeah. Pedestrian.

140. Arthur W., Des Plaines, IL

What do you get when you cross Noah's ark and a bug?

A really weird, strained joke setup?

140. Arctic.

...wow. That is impressively terrible, Arthur W. I'm ashamed to live in the same state as you. I mean, my God. There's nothing inherently funny about getting to "Arctic" as a punchline, certainly not after you push so forced a setup on us. And what really got "crossed" here? You just tacked "tick" on after "ark" and made a new, completely unrelated word out of it. I guess the real question is whether to blame Arthur, or to blame the Laffy Taffy people for deciding "Why yes, this is good enough to publish!" I think I'll just go ahead and blame both of them.

Wouldn't rewording this joke have made it at least a little more tolerable? Like "Why did the bug make it so cold on Noah's ark? He was an Arctic!" That's still terrible but at least you have an excuse for "Arctic" in the setup. The existing one is just poorly done.

Wrapper 32: Hopping bad

137. Nicholaus L., Sacramento, CA

What is a cat's favorite color?

Hopefully not something they like just because the word "cat" appears in its name!

137. Purr-ple.

Could be worse. This is at least sort of in the tradition of those old jokes about the guy claiming his dog can talk, then only asking the dog questions that can be answered with approximations of typical dog sounds.

138. Sara H., Lansdale, PA

What is a bunny's motto?

Motto? Are we going to get a Latin-based punchline here?

138. Don't frown, be hoppy.

Don't frown? Don't FROWN? Are you kidding me? Don't WORRY, be hoppy! What, were you guys afraid of getting sued by Bobby McFerrin? If so, you should have just dropped the joke altogether, rather than going with this ersatz garbage. Although maybe this is how Sara H. sent the joke in, which would be even worse because if you take away the idea of it being a "Don't worry, be happy" reference, how the hell is this a joke?

Wrapper 31: Cats and (hot) dogs

135. David S., Newburgh Hts., OH

Where do very smart hot dogs end up?

In your stomach, just like the dumb ones.

135. On honor rolls!

I mean, why would you go with hot dogs here? I hear "hot dog," I think "bun," not "roll." There's even that expression, "Just call me butter 'cause I'm on a roll" - why not go with "smart butter" instead? That would at least be a little clever instead of just confusing.

136. Matthew J., Dayton, OH

The Ohio mafia, taking over this wrapper.

What is a cat's favorite thing to read?

Like... the mewspaper? Please tell me that's not it.

136. A catalog.

That might actually be worse. I would much rather the punchline be cat-related than to have it just be a word that starts with cat. Because that's really the same as reusing the subject or object from your setup in the punchline. It's lame. "Mewspaper" is totally bad, I admit, but at least it tries. "Catalog" just smacks of giving up. And seriously, even if cats could read, do you think they would pick their reading material based on if the name had "cat" somewhere in it?

Wrapper 30: Keys and locks

79. Shara L., Anadarko, OK

What kind of key doesn't open a lock?

The answer is definitely going to be "turkey" or something like that.

79. A monkey.

Although most monkeys probably can open locks, meaning that even by the incredibly low standards of this joke, it's a pretty stupid punchline. I would have gone turkey, or at least donkey.

80. Terri T., St. Charles, MO

Why do some people never go bald?

Genetics! Wa ha ha.

80. They have a re-seeding hairline.

Eesh. That is a bad pun. And really kind of dumb since the answer is the opposite of the homophone "receding." I guess you have to give Laffy Taffy some credit here for rolling with a homophone pun that really only works in print.

Wrapper 29: Milk, chocolate

75. Ruth D., Chicago, IL

Which candy can't get anywhere on time?

All of them, because they are candy and cannot move under their own power.

75. Choco-late!

Boo. But fairly straightforward, I guess.

76. Nissi W., Stockton, CA

Where does an alien get its milk?

Gee, I wonder if this could possibly reference the Milky Way.

76. From the Milky Way.

Yeah. No. Don't repeat "milk" like that, and also, an alien probably wouldn't need milk since they almost certainly would not be a mammal.

Wrapper 28: Egg rolls and math books

73. Benjamin R., Lakeview, NC

How do you make an egg roll?

Take a wrapper and it fill it with sliced vegetables or a meat of your choice?

73. Push it.

My fake response was for what the setup clearly wants you to think - that instructions for making egg rolls, the well-known Asian appetizer, are being sought. But I don't know. I don't think in this country you can quite assume that everyone is going to go right to that. I fully anticipated the punchline would involve actually rolling an egg, and so it did. And of course it was incredibly unfunny. Really the only way this joke is going to work is by asking someone who is guaranteed to think you're asking about food. I could, for instance, ask my mother-in-law, who cooks egg rolls all the time. But I think the punchline loses its impact after several minutes of cooking instructions.

74. Chrissy B., New Iberia, LA

What did the math book tell the pencil?

Don't mark me up? I don't know.

74. I have a lot of problems.

Okay, I guess that's not terrible, although it's not clear to me why the math book needed to tell the pencil that. Why wouldn't it be telling, say, the student?

Another sustained run of banana is beginning. Maybe I should have had these alternate by flavor instead of sorting them by number? Nah.

Wrapper 27: Plants and Ducks

43. Sharon S., Sandy Hook, CT

What kind of plant do you put in a cake?

Well, sugar and flour both come from plants. I'd probably start with those two plants.

43. Flower.

Weak. Not least because flour comes from wheat, which is also a plant. Like, it's much more clever if you're punning off something that doesn't already fit your stupid setup.

44. Elizabeth F., Sunland Park, NM

Why don't ducks tell jokes while they are flying?

Because they are ducks and can't talk?

44. Because they would quack up.

Okay, see, it hasn't really been established why that would be a problem for the ducks. Shouldn't this joke just have been, "What does a duck do when he hears a joke? He quacks up!" It may not be funny but at least it makes sense.

Wrapper 26: Rackets and teeth

39. Nathan M., Salt Lake City, UT

What did the judge say to the racket?

"Why am I talking to an inanimate object?"

39. We will send you to court.

You know, a judge usually isn't going to tell someone that they're going to court - if a judge is talking to you, you're probably already in court. So the extremely stilted phrasing of this punchline doesn't really make sense. Other than that, awesome work.

40. Greg S., Stone Mountain, GA

What kind of teeth can you buy with a dollar?

I don't even want to touch the idea of someone from Georgia needing to worry about buying teeth.

40. Buck teeth.

So we go from "teeth" and "dollar" to "teeth" and "buck." Pretty terrible. Just generally lazy. It doesn't even have a realistic setup. Stupid all the way.

Wrapper 25: More predictability

37. Jamal J., Birmingham, AL

Why did the elephant decide not to move?

Surely something to do with his trunk?

37. Because he couldn't lift his trunk.

In spite of its predictability, this joke actually seems somewhat clever - because the connection works on two levels. The elephant decided not to move (living spaces) because he couldn't lift his trunk (suitcase). But also, if an elephant can't lift his actual trunk, he's probably not going to be doing any moving, just physically. Mind you, neither of these is funny. But it's something.

38. Megan D., Des Moines, IA

How do sheep get clean?

How?

38. They take a baa-aa-aa-th.

I don't even have anything to say about this one.

Hey, this was a strawberry wrapper! Finally we break from banana for a few.

Wrapper 24: Extremely predictable

35. Tim A., Elm Mott, TX

What do you call a mean-tempered horse?

A night-mare?

35. A nightmare!

Yeah, okay. Not very good. Jokes like this are at their best when the punchline isn't anything resembling a stretch, but this one is for two reasons. One, a mare is a specific gender of horse; two, "mean-tempered" hardly leads directly to "nightmare." Sure, I can parse it easily enough, as I obviously did by predicting the punchline, but it's just not a good joke.

36. Darrell J., Panama City Beach, FL

Where do fish sleep?

On the sea bed, clearly.

36. In a water bed!

Six of one, half a dozen of the other. These two jokes were so predictable that you almost wish at least one of them had gone the misdirection route, taking an obvious setup and then pulling a punchline more out of left field. I can't think of a good one for either of these offhand, and maybe there isn't really a good one to be had - so had they tried I'd probably just be raking them over the coals for a horrible joke. But is it worse to be impressively bad, or just boring?

Wrapper 23: Which was worse, the chicken or the egg

33. Mike C., Mitchell, SD

What did the little boy tell the game warden?

"Say, this seems like an awfully specific, contrived setup for a two-line joke."

33. His dad was in the kitchen poaching eggs!

God. Again, this strikes me as a little too sophisticated for an audience of what, nine-year-olds? You have to know that "poaching eggs" is a thing, you have to know what a game warden is, and you have to know the other definition of poaching! And in fact, the very premise of the joke is based around a kid not knowing both definitions. The perfect Laffy Taffy wrapper joke would be uncomplicated (because there just isn't enough room) and funny. This one is overly complicated and still manages to be eyeroll-inducingly dumb.

34. Patrick B., San Antonio, TX

What do you call a chicken crossing the road?

Another twist on the "classic" chicken-crossing-the-road joke. Where could this be going, I wonder...

34. Poultry in motion.

Well, could be worse. It's a groaner of a pun and rests on an idiom that I would suggest is not exactly the most common there is, but it's at least mildly clever and does a good job of switching between (relative) synonyms between the setup and punchline.

Wrapper 22: Windows and apples

31. Daryl J., Memphis, TN

What did one window say to the other window?

Various potential plays on words here - something with "pane," perhaps?

31. I am in "pane."

At least they got the right homophone in there this time, unlike that coffin/coughing joke from wrapper 7. But pretty bad. Simplest possible usage of "pane," and would it kill you to give the window any impetus to speak this exact sentence?

32. Amber L., Pittston, PA

Why did the apple turnover?

Because that would be delicious?

32. Because he got jealous of the jelly roll.

...man. A real stretch there, Amber L., although I guess bonus points for the relative soundalike of "jealous" and "jelly." I guess "turn over" and "roll" are sort of the same thing, and so that kind of works? But why is the apple jealous? Like he's upset that the jelly was baked into a pastry and he wasn't? Just nonsense.

Wrapper 21: When life gives you lemon jokes

23. Rachelle B., Scottsdale, AZ

What do astronauts eat for dinner?

Freeze-dried meals that can survive the environment on the space shuttle. No?

23. Launch meat.

I must say, kudos to Rachelle B. for not going with "What do astronauts eat for lunch" as the setup, which would have then led to an obnoxious duplication in the punchline. Anyway, this joke is as old as the space program, but it could be worse. It could be the other one on the wrapper.

24. Bradley D., Viroqua, WI

What is yellow and wears a mask?

Wait for it.

24. The Lone Lemon.

God, do I fucking hate jokes like this. There is nothing funny or even sense-making about this joke. The punchline doesn't rhyme with "Ranger" or anything close. There is no connection between "Ranger" and "Lemon." This means that the punchline could just as easily be The Lone Banana or The Lone Dandelion or whatever. It's terrible. It is more or less intentionally unfunny. I mean, right? There is no way this is supposed to be funny. This is supposed to elicit groans, if not grimaces. I see no way around it. Of course, with that said, it's a perfect joke for Laffy Taffy. At least this joke knows it's terrible.

Wrapper 20: Idaho, Alaska

19. Jesus V., Laredo, TX

What did Delaware?

This is an abbreviated version of a much longer old joke, which runs something like this: "If Mississippi borrowed Missouri's New Jersey, what did Delaware?" The punchline is in the title of this post: "Idaho, Alaska." Anyway, the punchline here surely involves New Jersey, since "Idaho, Alaska" only really works with the full context.

19. She wore a brand New Jersey!

Yawn. Relatively inoffensive, I suppose, although "What did Delaware?" is really just far too shortened a setup for this joke, in my estimation.

20. Shyanne B., Fargo, ND

What do pigs give on Valentines Day?

That is some kind of unfortunate name.

20. Valenswines!

That is some kind of unfortunate punchline. I don't know if there's a better one to be had (c-hog-lates?), but oof. Although at least it correctly switches from "pig" to the synonym "swine" unlike crap like the buttered noodles joke.

Another banana. Really tired of banana.

Wrapper 19: Owls and months

17. Whitney P., Champaign, IL

What is an owl's favorite subject?

No doubt some lousy owl-related pun is coming.

17. Owlgebra.

That's right! Owls like anything with the word owl in the name. Even when it's not actually in the name.

18. Connie G., Kent, WA

In what month do people talk the least?

We're either getting some awful pun, or the answer is February.

18. February - because it's the shortest month in the year!

Oh, thanks for that clarification. I hate this one because it thinks it's super smart and totally fooling you. "Oh, you were expecting some joke? Nope! It was actually the world's most easily solved riddle!" Also, talk the least? Now I'm trying to think of an even remotely plausible alternate pun answer that would justify the attempted misdirection, because unless there is one, why go with "talk the least" as opposed to virtually anything else? Nov-mum-ber? I'm drawing a blank. In other words, this is stupid.

More banana. I'm sick of banana and I'm not even eating them.

Wrapper 18: More homework, more skeletons

11. Nicholas W., Sandy, UT

When is homework not homework?

When it is infinity! Am I right, guys?

When it is turned into the teacher.

That's [sic]. Is the joke really as subtle as a play on "in to"/"into"? Homework is turned in to the teacher... but now it's not homework, because it's been turned into the teacher! I mean, it's either that or "it's not at home anymore since you've turned it in," which is probably even stupider.

12. Tiffany M., Superior, WI

Why did the skeleton cross the road?

A new twist on an old classic!

12. To get to the body shop.

This is another one where I wonder if it was really written by a kid. The "body shop"? I guess it's believable that a kid would have heard this phrase, but doesn't this really only work as a joke if you're aware of what a body shop actually is? Otherwise you could really put anything in here ("the skin store!") and it would make about as much sense, although I suppose eliciting that twinge of recognition is the point.

Wrapper 17: Fans and dogs

9. Lori W., Clayton, OK

Why is it so hot in a stadium after a football game?

Because the players have generated a lot of energy through their... okay, no, the answer is obviously going to be something to do with fans leaving.

9. All the fans have left.

Yep. I guess I don't hate this one so much. It's predictable, and it's not funny, but none of these are funny and at least the play on words makes sense and is mildly clever.

10. Devon K., Rochester, MN

Why is a lost Dalmatian easily found?

Something about "spotting" him?

10. Because he's always spotted.

Predictable. And sort of a mess, grammatically.

That was banana. And kind of a boring one. Well, there's always tomorrow. Oh, is there ever.

Wrapper 16: Pasta primavera

The nice thing, at least where this blog is concerned, about the numbered wrappers is that I know exactly how many possibilities there are. I opened this new bag of Wonka products and pulled out all the unique joke wrappers - there were 28. The highest-numbered jokes were 285 and 286, so oh boy, we've got plenty of these to look forward to. Collect them all! Meanwhile, here were the lowest-numbered ones.

3. Brandon R., Florence, SC

Which garden has the most vegetables?

Um, a vegetable garden?

3. Flash Garden.

...whoa. I had never seen this one before, and holy shit is it impossible to decipher. I mean, I'm assuming the pun here is "Flash Gordon," but what does Flash Gordon have to do with vegetables? Is the joke just a combination of "this sounds like Flash Gordon and also a garden where vegetables grow in a 'flash' would totally have the most"? If so, that is so obtuse it's almost funny, which would be the funniest thing about this joke. Also, no fucking kidding this is joke #3. Laffy Taffy has been sold since the 1970s, and since the movie Flash Gordon came out in 1980, I'd say the early 80s is about the last time any child would have even understood the reference being made here. Good Lord.

4. Brooke K., Yardley, PA

What did the noodles say to the butter?

"Why don't you melt all over me, and then we can both be devoured in spite of our sentience?"

4. Don't try and butter me up.

Guh. At least this makes general sense, but again, I find it the epitome of laziness to have a key word carried over from the setup to the punchline. Really, you're going to give me the word that you're going to play off of, right there in the delivery? No. If that's really the best you've got, start over. And really, though I said it makes general sense, this joke is conceptually weak since if you imagine noodles serving their purpose, being buttered is not going to take away from that.

This was a banana wrapper. I could have sworn Laffy Taffy had a number of different flavors, but in this whole bag of Wonka products all I found were banana and strawberry, which just baffles me since banana is freaking awful. Where's grape? Where's sour apple? I'm not eating these things so I guess it's irrelevant, but the part where I note the flavor is not much fun if there's only going to be two.

Wrappers 11-15: End of Halloween blowout

Okay, none of the remaining five is quite terrible enough for me to keep doing just one per post. I got a new bag of classic Laffy Taffy so it'll be back to the twofers, where you're virtually guaranteed one awful one per wrapper. So let's just clean these out.

What do you call it when the Easter Bunny shows up for Halloween?
Debbie L.

This is not the worst example of the form, but another thing that happens a lot with these jokes is quite a bit of straining in the setup just so the punchline makes sense.

A hoppy Halloween!

I also hate it when they repeat key words from the setup to the punchline. Never the hallmark of a good joke.

How do witches keep their hair in place while flying?
Cindy O.

I think a better question would be how they keep those pointy hats from flying off, but sure, whatever.

Scare spray

At least they trust you to get the rhyming joke here. Other than that, feh.

How do you fix a jack o'lantern?
Silvia D.

I'm getting a little suspicious that they're just making these names up. Two kids named "Silvia," really? With that spelling of it and everything?

With a pumpkin patch

One of the better puns we've seen so far, though of course it's still terrible.

What is a witch's favorite subject?
Katherine N.

Katherine N., quit bogarting the wrappers. First she rips off someone else's joke, now this?

Spelling

Not really a subject per se, is it? But I guess the punchline couldn't exactly have been "English."

Who mans a ghost ship?
Maureen H.

Ghosts?

There's a skeleton crew.

This one's not too bad, as these things go. I mean, it's not funny, but it's sort of clever, and actually relatively sophisticated. In fact I dare say it's arguably too sophisticated, in that children reading these things are unlikely to be familiar with the expression "skeleton crew," or at least not enough to get the double meaning. That's right: this joke might just be too good for a Laffy Taffy wrapper. Never thought I'd find myself saying that. Don't worry. This new bag is bound to be full of jokes for which I'd never consider saying it for even a second.

Wrapper 10: Heard it

Why don't skeletons ever go trick or treating?
Katherine N.

Because they would terrify the living shit out of people and wouldn't get any candy?

They don't have any body to go out with.

Gee, that sounds familiar. Jon H. from Cocoa, FL, you just got your shit jacked! I think Laffy Taffy could definitely keep this one going, though. Let's try to think of some other places that skeletons would totally go if only they had "some body" to go with. Here are a few suggestions to get you started:

Pharmacy
Baseball game
Wig store
Park
Olive Garden
Massage parlor

Wrapper 9: Lame 'n' Lime

What is a ghoul's favorite flavor?
Theri K

Uh, okay. Could be anything. Let's have it.

Lemon-Slime

Woof. I mean, aside from being unfunny, there's nothing particularly terrible about this, I guess. But there were probably eight thousand answers you could have had for this joke. Was this really the best one? Outside of Ghostbusters, I guess, is there any real obvious affiliation between ghouls and slime?

Whatever. Some of these are worse than others, as you'd expect, and I've already burned through the best ones from this batch, so the next few won't be as terrible as all that. But they still suck.

Wrapper 8: Predictable

What do you call a skeleton who won't work?
Christine C.

Lazy bones. I mean, come on.

Lazy bones

No shit. I mean, if you're going to put these crap jokes out there, at least make it so the answer isn't so obvious. Right? Also, skeletons can't work, because they have no muscles.

Wrapper 7: Not exactly

So I've been complaining about how these stupid jokes too often feature homophone-based punchlines that really only work out loud, and how Laffy Taffy's resolution of over-explaining them has not worked. Good news! They didn't do that this time. Bad news! This.

What did one casket say to the other casket?
Martha W.

I see this joke was submitted to Laffy Taffy in the late 1700s by Martha Washington. No? Well, it may as well have been.

Is that you "coughing"?

No! No, no, no. Close, but no cigar. Here is the CORRECT way to have written this, if you had to tell it at all:

Is that you "coffin"?

Now, maybe that joke is a little hard to parse in print. And it should be, because it is a joke that is DEPENDENT ON ORAL COMMUNICATION, and also because the punchline is super weak. But if you're going to make me work for one of the words, you make me work for the one that makes sense in the "real" sentence - i.e. coughing. You do not make me work for the PUN on which the entire reason for telling the joke at all is based! I mean, I think we're all glad they didn't print "Is that you 'coffin' (coughing)?" but this is more a lateral move than a step forward. Yeesh.

Besides, if you're going to do a joke dependent on this sort of pun, doesn't the punned sentence really need to be a lot more common than "Is that you coughing?" While "Is that you 'coffin'?" would be better, the problem you do run into is that it looks like a typo for "Is that your coffin?" Which I guess isn't any better of a situation to be in. But that's why you SHOULDN'T PRINT JOKES THAT ARE INTENDED TO BE TOLD OUT LOUD.

Wrapper 6: The number that should have been in this joke

Say this for Laffy Taffy jokes - and it's not saying much - at least there aren't that many that are just old hoary chestnuts from a million years ago. But some of them are. And that can spell real trouble.

Why was 8 afraid of 7?
Kelly Z.

Oh no. Kelly... you fucked the joke up.

Because 7 ate (8) 9.

First of all - same problem we've seen before. If you have to spell out the homophone for us, you shouldn't bother telling the joke in print. But this joke is just WRONG. The joke is, "Why was 6 afraid of 7?" Six! Not eight! You know why not eight? Because eight appears in the punchline. I could maybe have appreciated the effort if the punchline were different - you know that style of joke that takes a very familiar setup and tweaks it slightly. I'm sure that wouldn't have been funny but I could have gotten the idea. But this is just not right. Major fail, Kelly Z. Unacceptable.

Wrapper 5: Screaming pumpkins

Man, if you thought the last one was a missed opportunity at a pun... just try and figure out what's going on with this garbage.

Why did they carve a big mouth into the pumpkin?
Silvia M.

You really have to wonder where this is going, right? The real reason - because you carve faces into pumpkins and the mouth is part of the face - clearly isn't the answer. It's gotta be a pun, right? "So he would look really gourd" or something terrible like that?

So he could scream and howl!

...what the fuck. Come on, Silvia M.! You cannot be serious with this shit!

Look. Screaming and howling is not something pumpkins do; strike one. "Scream and howl" is not any pumpkin-related play on words that I can see; strike two. And obviously it is not funny; strike three. That exclamation point is [sic], by the way. This joke is way too pleased with itself.

Honestly, just try to find something funny in that punchline, or at least some way it makes sense. Is the idea that they gave him a big mouth so he could let out his screams of anguish from having his flesh carved up with an enormous knife? Because if so, that is some twisted shit, Silvia M. Although I suppose failing to carve any mouth for the pumpkin, forcing him to linger in Harlan Ellison-esque torment, unable to vocalize the horrible pain, would be at least as sadistic in its own way. Still, I'm not pumpkin carving at Silvia M.'s house any time soon. Future serial killer in the making, people.

Wrapper 4: Which witch

Laffy Taffy jokes may be terrible, but at least some of them try to be legit jokes, which I have to admit is not easy given the space limitations they're working under. More of them, however, are nonsense like this.

How does a witch tell time?
Jeanette M.

Truly a question for the ages. You know with a setup like this that some sort of pun is coming, so the question is whether it's going to involve brooms, or spells, or something.

She looks at her witch watch.

Ugh. Come on, Jeanette M., what were you thinking? Just because the words "witch" and "watch" are identical except for their vowels does not make this a joke. I don't think you can even call it a pun. It's not like "wish-wash" or some soundalike is a thing. You haven't worked in anything affiliated with witches, like "She looks at her wart-ch" or something. This is anti-humor. Not only isn't it funny, it doesn't even look like something that ever had the potential to be funny. I'm glad this was on fully three of the wrappers I have here at my desk.

This came off a banana wrapper, as will the next eleven until I run out of these Halloween ones. And there is some real shit coming up, let me tell you.

Wrapper 3: A g-g-g-ghost car!

Because they came from a Halloween-themed bag, the Laffy Taffy wrappers I've been using to this point - and will until I run out of them - are officially branded as "Howlin' Laffy Taffy," to go along with Skulls & Bones SweeTarts and Spooky Nerds. (Which might be the silliest of the three. My God! These Nerds are all white! I'd better run in place in mid-air for a second, my legs turning into a large white circle, and then sprint away, Scoob!) But for reasons surpassing my understanding, the jokes on the strawberry wrappers were otherwise normal - I know there was that skeleton one, but I've seen it before. However, the jokes on the banana wrappers are (a) entirely Halloween-themed, (b) unnumbered, and (c) single. That's right, just one joke per wrapper! What a rip-off. They also don't give you the submitter's location. Perhaps these are newer jokes that were submitted online rather than mailed in? Alternately, who cares.

What kind of car does a ghost drive?
A. Ockles

It wouldn't need to drive a car, because, being a ghost, it can travel by means of spooky ghost propulsion, or floating, or whatever. Oh, this is just a setup for a horrible pun? No kidding.

A Boo-ick (Buick)

I really appreciate that once again the people at Laffy Taffy assume you're way too dumb to figure out the punchline. "A Boo-ick? Like, a scary gross car? Is that supposed to sound like something? I don't get it."

Anyway, this sucks, of course, but at least it sucks in a pretty conventional way. And it got me thinking about what other car brands you could use in this type of joke. I think the best one, though probably a bit harder to parse, would be a Haunt-da. That or a Mercur-eek!

Wrapper 2: Infini-"T"

29. Sunuel J., Tuskegee, AL

What starts with "T", is full of "T", and ends with "T"?

Well, that could only be TTTTTTTT, right?

29. A teapot.

Here we have another classic example of jokes that simply lose their effectiveness - a word I use incredibly loosely in this case - when written out. Because obviously, when spoken aloud, the letter T and the word tea sound identical. But when you write it down... well, you have two options. One is to write "is full of tea," which gives the game away pre-punchline but at least is accurate. And the other is to write "is full of 'T'," which is just inherently confusing and also simply wrong. Because a teapot is not full of "T". It is full of tea. Get your shit together, Sunuel J. Also, this is more of a riddle than a joke. Did I accidentally buy Thinky Taffy? No? Then make me laugh, asshole.

30. Jenny H., Dubuque, IA

Teacher: Johnny, what is the definition of infinity?

I suggested in the intro post that I'm not taking this as seriously as it might read at times. But I legitimately hate this joke (just wait till we get to the fucking punchline). Not only is it an appallingly bad joke, but I hate jokes that are structured this way - and believe me, there are more than a few. Potentially my least favorite joke of all time is the following:

Teacher: Johnny, do you know the capital of Alaska?
Johnny: No'm.
Teacher: That's correct.

My distaste for this joke springs primarily from the fact that Nome is not the capital of Alaska and NEVER WAS, but I also hate the structure, which is basically anti-humor (and works even worse when you have to lift a tiny flap on a candy wrapper to get to the response). Also, why would you not write the joke this way:

Teacher: Johnny, d'you know the capital of Alaska?
Johnny: It sure is, ma'am.

Again, this is also TERRIBLE, but at least it's fucking accurate.

Anyway, back to Jenny H.'s bullshit. Wait until you see where this goes.

30. Johnny: Tonight's homework assignment.

...what? WHAT? My head is spinning with how insanely bad this joke is. Tonight's homework assignment is... INFINITY? This is idiotic. It's not just that it's super unfunny, either. It really makes very little sense on even the most basic levels of logic. Like why would he not say that last night's homework assignment was "infinity"? It's not like he is in a position to know how long tonight's homework is going to take. And even if he's just making an assumption, it's still better for the joke to have him reference something known rather than something assumed.

Then there's the issue of the joke setup featuring the noun form, infinity, rather than the adjectival form, infinite, which to me makes more sense and also just reads better. With other words where there's a more direct connection between the noun and adjectival forms, I can see where the noun form would work slightly better. In this case I don't think it does. Not that it really matters one way or the other.

This was also a strawberry wrapper. We're now left with a big pile of banana, which clearly everyone else hates as much as I do. Thank God I'm just copying jokes and not actually trying to eat these things.

Wrapper 1: Bees and Skeletons

25. Lydia F., Urbana, IL

What does a bee sit on?

First of all, let me just say that I enjoy that Laffy Taffy bothers to number their jokes. I guess this is so you'll know when you've read them all? Anyway, here's the answer:

25. His bee-hind (behind).

There's a reason people say that it kills a joke to have to explain it. That's because it's true. Granted, this joke is terrible regardless - you can practically picture your six-year-old niece coming up to you on Thanksgiving afternoon and reciting it with a hugely loud emphasis on "BEE" in the punchline to make sure you get it, followed by you having to smile and possibly fake-laugh and tell her "That's very clever!" before going back to an adult conversation that until this moment you would have sworn you'd do anything to get out of.

The point is, don't print jokes that only really work out loud because they're based on how words sound. But if you do, please don't insult my intelligence by assuming that I can't possibly parse "bee-hind" into the word "behind." This joke also sucks because "what does a bee sit on" sounds like the answer should be some sort of bee furniture pun, like "a hive chair" as a play on "high chair." Granted, that joke is also terrible and possibly harder to understand, but give me a break, it took me five seconds to come up with and I'm not dashing it off to send to Wonka Industries like Lydia F. did with her piece of shit.

26. Jon H., Cocoa, FL

Why did the skeleton go to the movies by himself?

Because he had no friends, because he was a grotesque re-animated corpse?

26. He had no body to go with him.

Or that. Sure. Kudos for not writing "he had no body (nobody) to go with him."

Just because I feel like noting these things, this one was strawberry.

Intro

I had been meaning for some time to start a blog dedicated to my incredible loathing of the jokes printed on Laffy Taffy wrappers. Part of the reason I never got around to it is that getting a supply of these jokes means getting a supply of Laffy Taffy, and I'm sure as hell not about to buy a big bag of Laffy Taffy just for this purpose when I don't even like it that much. But around Halloween I bought a big bag of Wonka products for the office, and probably unsurprisingly, what ended up left at the bottom of my plastic pumpkin was a lot of Laffy Taffy (especially the banana kind). And so now we get this blog. Updates daily, at least for a while, because I've got a big pile of these things on my desk right now and so can write a bunch of posts in advance.

And now a quick answer to what is probably going to be a frequently asked question if the internet at large starts stumbling on this thing:

Q: Don't you think you're taking this too seriously?

A: Possibly, although if you're actually asking this question, you're taking me way too seriously.